I always root for the Chinese athletes. No, I'm not Chinese. I just heard that when their athletes lose, they are promptly executed.

I would like to sue my company. They call it "take-home pay" and I can't even get home on it.

Television has always been an insult to my intelligence. But the computer -- it rubs it in.

When you use up all your sick leave, are you allowed to call in dead?

For some people, the only time they'll get a taste of religion will be when they join the cannibals who are dining over a feast of missionary.

I don't have a wicked thought in my body, but I do enjoy reading the obituaries.

I'm not entirely sure that we should always be indecisive.

They got huffy with me at the dollar store the other day. All I wanted was a price check.

I tried being normal once. I didn't like it.

Definition of Smarty pants: someone who carries a dictionary in his jeans.

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